Buy a real Mario Kart and throw bananas at your kids

Real-life Mario Kart is either really weird or very French. This toddler-special Mario Kart Ride On is neither.

The Kart, shown above, is based on the vehicles from "Mario Kart 7," released just in time for the eighth installment to hit Nintendo's Wii U. It's made by Jakks Pacific, which licenses all sorts of properties for children's toys. Want a Smurfs playset? You got it. Miniature dolls of James Franco from the forgettable Oz movie? Yep. How about an authentically detailed selection of Black & Decker tools? Black & Decker Junior will teach your budding Mike Rowe not to buy into any of that cheapo Harbor Freight stuff, no matter how seductive it is.

Its 6-volt battery allows the kart to top out at 2.5 mph, or possibly more if Ali from Razor ever gets his hands on it. You can go forward or even in reverse. There are brakes, which (if the video games are any indication) will go unused, the child bouncing into walls and water hazards where he will be towed to safety by the benevolent cloud Koopa, Lakitu. (Note: This might not happen in real life.) It even makes sound effects from the games.

You can buy the kart at Toys "R" Us, which is, incidentally, where you can also pick up a Razor Crazy cart. It's for ages 4 and up in the same sense that a tube of Pringles comes with a "serving size:" a throwaway suggestion to keep a society oppressed. Men-children of the world, ride like the wind! You are free! Your nostalgia beckons you! Come, it says. Come buy this Super Nintendo off eBay. It comes with "Super Mario Kart." Your childhood was a sham, over too soon. Now that you're a high-functioning grown-up, you can do whatever you want!

The Kart costs $199.99 and comes with free in-store pickup.

Expect a full drive review soon.

By Blake Z. Rong