Classified Catch: 1979 Dodge frog dystopia shag carpet molester van

From the bowels of the earth--California via Texas, in this case--comes one of the most wonderfully appalling automotive creations we've seen in quite some time. Feast your eyes on the Van.

Originally birthed as a 1979 Dodge B200, this claimed 31,000-mile example boasts a two-barrel carb 318 bolted to the requisite Torqueflite automatic, Cragar mags and a CB for callin' out the smokeys. But the specs don't even begin to tell the story here.

It appears that no surface (or, one might assume, person who entered) was left unmolested, as everything inside--from the refrigerator to the headliner--is upholstered in period-correct gold velour and animal-print carpeting.

Outside, this Dodge foretells a dystopian future replete with alien frogs and winged skulls rendered in remarkable, no doubt acid-induced detail.

It's just . . . wow. While a black-light inspection would likely cause the most hardened CSI gumshoe to urp up his lunch, it makes us happy to know something such as this still lives out there, in this condition, somewhere. Far away from us.

Interested? Chat with Donn at Left Coast Classics, (707) 332-8331. And bring money--we have it on good authority that it'll take north of $15,000 to call it yours.

By Andrew Stoy