Fast & Furious film review: Don't blink

Dude! Oh man, there were, like, so totally many gnarly stylin' cars like that righteous blue JDM R34 and an S15 Silvia that's totally JDM and all those big muscle cars from ancient times, like about the same time as the Model T or something and stuff, and them dudes from the first movie--like that Paul Walker dude that all the babes think is so totally dreamy an' all, and that bald dude, Vin Diesel, who seems kinda psycho at first but then totally has this "code" he goes by an' stuff...and that cute girl Jordana Brewster--and her perfect bangs that, like her, have not aged a single day since the original movie came out eight or however many years ago that was--and even that mean Michelle Rodriguez girl who would rather kick you in the head than, like, look at you and they're all, like, back together, like, again, better than ever an' all an' they totally get into some heavy stuff, man, it's, like, all illegal and federal an' stuff and they're, like, totally hijacking trucks and stuff again just like they used to, but things get all heavy and the FBI's like, "Whoa, we have to get them," and so they're totally coming down on the bald dude for, like, doing all that illegal stuff so he, like, bolts to some country that's like Mexico but it's not Mexico, I guess it's some country farther south, but his mean GF misses him an' all so she tries to get him back but he doesn't know it and then they get all mixed up with this really, really bad guy who throws great parties and they all agree to have a big race and that's when the bald guy and the dreamy guy meet again and they're, like, friends but also enemies (you know? it's weird but they are an' stuff, LOL WTF?) an' so they drive all over the place and there're huge totally flippin' crashes and guys you'd swear were going to be dead, you, like, see them walking around in the next scene an' stuff like they were never even in a crash, which didn't make any sense, and their cars just keep driving, like, even after they go flying off a bridge an' stuff but whatever, LOL WTF? but who cares cuz it's really, like, thrilling an' all, but then it looks really bad for the dreamy guy and the bald dude because the really, really bad guy and his really, really bad goon dude are going to, like, kill them I mean, WTF, they just delivered "the stuff" an' all and they're going to, like, waste 'em, WTF? LOL! ROFLMAO! so the Paul Walker dude is like, "Get in the effin' car!" an the bald dude is like, "No, I must, like, kill this dude," and the dreamy guy is, like, really insistent and all and he says, "Like, get in the effin' car," so the bald dude gets in the effin' car just as all the other cars are, like, going kablam and stuff and they speed off and stuff and then it looks like everything's gonna be cool an' all and they're, like, friends and the dreamy dude totally makes out with the Jordana Brewster girl, who is totally hot and her bangs don't even flinch or nothin' and I'm all like, whoa, and she's like chomp chomp chomp and all, but then the bald dude finds out that the dreamy dude, like, set up the mean girl and he's all wham wham wham beatin' on the dreamy dude and the dreamy dude sez, like, whoa man, chill out, cuz I only did it to bring you back cuz she, like, loved you and all and stuff LOL WTF but even though the dreamy dude just got, like, totally whomped on, he's still, like, not only conscious but barely even has a scratch, even though the big bald dude just totally wailed on him, which made me say, like, whatever, but then they have this big showdown with the bad guy and his goon dude and I won't spoil the ending for you but lemme jus' say that it totally leaves it open for FF5, which is way cool an' I can't wait cuz maybe I can get in without my parents LOL!

Editor's note: Yes, that was a one-sentence review.

By Mark Vaughn