Lincoln's big ad is a FAIL, LOL, OMG

The automotive punditsphere mocked Lincoln's "Steer The Script" campaign when it was announced, in typical teaser form, a few months ago. Well, here it is -- what's essentially the culmination of Lincoln's hopes and dreams; its big comeback splash to the largest American audience of the year, distilled into a breathtaking work of staggering incompetence. Sometimes, the pundits are right.

Lincoln's ad was "crowdsourced" from random people on Twitter -- who will undoubtedly receive matching perks from Klout for being "influencers." The ad's supposed to be whimsical and cute, traits that defined, say, the 1979 Lincoln Versailles. But the resulting ad is the equivalent of the mid-2000s teenager on his Xanga page desperately trying to fit into the Internet's alt-culture by being "so random!" Ask me how I know. I used to be attracted to girls who liked Invader Zim and sporks and alpaca puns and going to Mars with German hitchhikers, as thought up by Mad Libs-playing trendy, hip Millennials who enjoy irony and will never buy a Lincoln MKZ with their own money. (Take a breath here with me.) Not even America's Greatest Living Celebrity* Wil Wheaton, who should have just written and starred in the entire thing, makes a difference. Kids like Fallon, right? Jimmy Fallon, who made such a big hullabaloo when he started promoting it to his 7+ million followers, doesn't even appear in the ad. Meanwhile, somebody at Lincoln is undoubtedly considering presenting Leno with an MKZ to see how many "hits" that gets on Jay Leno's Garage.

Already the same pundits are predicting Lincoln's demise -- some as early as August, others within the next two years, or whenever Mark Fields finally admits defeat. But it took Cadillac a while to recover from "The Caddy That Zigs." These same pundits are the same hoary nerds who can't write an Infiniti review without mentioning "rocks and trees" -- referencing the brand's myopic North American introduction. Steer The Script may become a punching bag for the brand, too. What Lincoln should have done was this one, and this one only: dramatic, powerful, a defiant shout to the universe that I exist, I still exist! Sadly, it's neither funny nor full of cute animals nor sex nor gratuitous violence, and will therefore elicit the same baffled reaction from a non-automotive audience. But the ad entitled "Phoenix" is dignified; it's what Lincoln wants the MKZ to be: a car befitting inclusion under what was once Ford's flagship umbrella. Now they just desperately need to make the populace care for said umbrella in a meaningful way.

The "Phoenix" ad is also refreshingly devoid of Zooey-grade faux-twee social-media pandering BS or an orgy of sponsored-tweet malfeasance with celebrities who are too hopelessly "hip" to know better. I'm going to meditate on that while I drive my Lincoln Frown Car through a fireball.

* We hear Tom Cruise is a pretty nice guy too.

By Blake Z. Rong